change in patterns: nothing remains the same

               woke up this morning to a somewhat sunny day knowing that looking into the weather on the weather channel seemed a bit absurd in seeing the day looked beautiful. spring has a pattern, a but wild and unpredictable,but nevertheless, a pattern underlines the actions of the weather...which reminds me of my life that i lead, a little wild at points, visciously frustrating at other points...which seem to stumble on me at the wrong and worst of times, funny and stupid on a good day...how ever often those may be, which isnt often enough, and then there are those days that the worst thing ive done was waking up not knowing what was about to bite me, but these days often reoccur in a...pattern. for instance a monday tends to make me wish i hadnt woken up, but then later on during the day it turns out to be either viciously frustrating or hilarious, and whichever it may be, it always reoccurs in a pattern that shape my days into weeks and those miserably frustratingly funny weeks into years, and those years, without regret, are added on to my life. but the pattern changes, nothing stays the same for too long, oh yes there will always be a pattern, but not the same pattern as a week ago, or weeks before, there are always different tracks to be left in the soil upon which i walk, that track maybe smaller than the last, or larger or wider, but those tracks are, without fail, are traced back to a familiar...yet different pattern. once again my patterns mimic the patterns of the springtime weather, i woke up this morning do a great sunny day looking out to the horizon not seeing a single cloud, but then a sudden change, due to pattern, a dark line rolls through, almost blackening out the sky, then a brutal...yet ultimately short storm errupted, like my life, things start out one way, and then shift to the next point of the pattern and then dies out, waiting for another day.

thunder..

                  the majority of people i know, when a storms brews up without notice, heads for cover, some people will hide under the covers hoping that the wind and rain wont find them huddling in a fetal position in the comfort of the room silently praying for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass them by, as quoted from the famous song,sweet child o mine by guns and roses,and hope that there wont be any lasting damage to themselves or their home. but not i, well i hope not lasting damage unfolds itself upon me or my home, revealing what true wrath nature holds for me, but i dont want it to pass me by without any excitement. watching storms form above me in the once blue sky, watching the clouds darken and cover the land around me with a dark shadow like a blanket covering a bed, watching the rain slowly pour closer and closer to me, slowly or quickly drench every square inch of ground, even the ground where i hold fast, steady. feel the wind pushing against me, leaning into the wind with arms spread, feeling the power of the storm engulf me. id love nothing more than to sit up in my tree house or on my roof, and watch the storm pass by or pass through, either way works, watch the limber, yet somehow rigid grass flail in the wind only at the mercy of the storm, watching the branches of the tall trees surrounding my house sway uncontrolably, the leaves flying about in a green frenzy. and most of all, the thunder, i want to hear the thunder, crashig the sky with dominance over the elements, clearly stating its presence with a simple, yet extremely powerful concussion of sound, house shaking, window rattling BANG. hear the thunder roll through the sky like a bowling ball smashing down the lane and into the helpless pins. thunder rippling through the sky like a mad bull chasing after a gutsy rodeo clown, which i would love to see. thunder is the heart, voice, and emotion of a storm, the louder the storm the heavier the rain, more lightning, darker clouds, simple as that. thunder is the storm, everything else is just effect.

weird?

                                   weird- not normal; out of the ordinary; strange. weird is the definition of the world in my eyes, nothing is truly normal, and that evidence is found everywhere, just look. how can any one person know what normal is? one man's weird is another mans dream, one mans akward is another mans comfort. so what makes you so normal? normal to you maybe down right absolutely flippin nuts to the guy/girl/half man half sea horse monkey dolphin floating next to you. that last creature sounds a little weird dont ya think? well if that creature were real, which would rock any scientists every brain cell because such a marvelously amazing creature existed,im pretty sure it would see you as weird as you see it weird, get my point? no? well then...think of it like this, you see a kid walkin down the hallway, he has died hair, ripped jeans, listens to music heavier than ten whales, he wears his hood up, always looking down at the floor, wont make eye contact for his dear life, and you cant help but think, "WHAT A FRUIT! that kid is pertty weird!" well in his his eyes he might see you walkin down the hall, and all he sees is a kid wearin expensive clothes, listenin to some rapper rappin bout drugs, jus gettin outta prison, and stuff of that nature, nice shoes, every thing he doesnt have you do, and that kid probably thinks, "that kid is purtty weird! he aint nothin like me!" see now? each life is stamped with a DIFFERENT seal, each life is branded with likes, dislikes, loves, hates, passions, loathings, ease, suffering, life is given weird things to weird people, and we are all weird, no matter what anyone thinks, that half human half seahorse monkey dolphin floating next to you probably thinks your weird, and id say because it was born with different eyes, it sees things differently! no one knows what normal is because no one has experienced it!

lost

    i woke up today...theres the first mistake. i got dressed and headed to school...second mistake. i may look calm and collected on the outside but on the inside im burnin up, im ready for a fight, im ready to be tested, teased, angered, im ready to snap, i havent snapped for fifteen years, theres a volcanoe in me ready to blow an smother some poor not so innocent pissant who got on my last nerve. im known as the calm goofy fruit loop of a guy who dont get mad at nothin, an most of thge time thats true, but thats the me with control, with out that its a nightmare bein near me, but im smarter than to take on some kid and cops at the same time, because thats all it ever adds up to, cops. here to protect and serve. well thats good with me because when, someday, i snap there will definitely need to be protecting bein done. my blood is boilin every day, and im waitin for some kid to get to close, and he'll get burnt...burnt real bad.
       see now thats me on the inside, thats the me i hope no one ever has to see, but im conflicted, i wanna just beat some one, somethin, i wanna get everything out that is killing me on the inside, but im lost, im at a loss of direction, im being tossed about in a sea of confusion, frustration, anger, self-denial, even a lil bit of pitty. but in my rage i see a light, at first i think im dellusional, but as i look closer, in that light is a sign, that sign depicts the real me, the me that i should be. this sign...its in front of a long, barren road, surrounded by dead fields, this sign serves as a warning that what lies behind it is what ill recieve if i do whats in my mind, thank god i can still see in my torrent of anger. and the thing is sometimes im just plain ol mad, pissed at the world for spinnin to fast, i have no reason to be angry but yet i just am. but im a master, a master at hiding the me dangerous me from the people closest to me, im a master of concealing a rage of turmoil in my heart and mind, and a master of killing it. i must stay strong, but im on the verge of breaking, the hairline fractures have turned into gaps, and those gaps turned into to freakin canyons, im at the point of breakin, but like always, the only thing i can do is suck it up and keep going. i must hold on for dear life, dear life is all i have, its all i need. when will this storm be over? when will i see the light of day that was cruely diminished to a dwindling glint off in the distance? when will the storm clear, allowing me to move on, to walk forward without being blown back twice the distance i had progressed,every time i call out my voice gets loosed in the echo of an over powering crash of thunder,im lost in the darkness that surrounds me, it consumes me...im lost. god give me guidance, i have to get out of this. i cant be lost forever. 

fade

                        some people say, your not being yourself today...im always myself, your just seeing the me i am at home, or when im alone, at school im all happy and smiley, if youve seen me when im not smiling thats the me when your not around, theres a me deep down in the depths of my personality shut away, kept in the dark, chained down by the burdens keeping me back. everything in my world is fading, the color slips lie water, slides through the cracks of time like sand, the color is gone, i see black and white through my tired eyes. as i wake up in the morning and lay there hating that i woke up from the dream i was having, theres still color in my dreams, it hasnt been sucked dry from the disappointments of reality. during the day im not who im playing along to be, all im doin is tryin to please everyone and get by and go home, except for the few good friends i have, they make life bearable, theyre the color in my dreams, every day i fade more an more, im always there in person but my heart and mind is somewhere else, dreaming, hiding itself from the society surrounding me, engulfing me in its vast lonliness, theres nothing here for me, at home i can be me, i can be anything i want, no criticizing, no arguing, no annoying little voice in the bac of my head telling me what i should or shouldnt do, at home that voice is silent, im stuck in a hole that seems to do nothing but dig itself deeper, im trapped at the bottom where theres no light, no comfort, just nothing but cold darkness, im away from the sun, i cry out, but my voice gets lost in an echo somewhere in the darkness, no one can here me down here, the only thing that can get me out is my will and strength, and along with the rest of me even those are fading, wilting, drying out. my soul cries for existence, forgivness for whatever ive done in my life, every mistake i made, every burden unloaded upon my shoulders,te aches and pain of isolation amongst others...im becoming transparent, see through, hopefully some light will shine through me and give me new life. to everyone who reads this, dont worry im not suicidal, everything im going through will be fine, dont worry ill get through it like i always do, on my own, but maybe with some help of a close friend...thank you logan, you are that friend.