lost

    i woke up today...theres the first mistake. i got dressed and headed to school...second mistake. i may look calm and collected on the outside but on the inside im burnin up, im ready for a fight, im ready to be tested, teased, angered, im ready to snap, i havent snapped for fifteen years, theres a volcanoe in me ready to blow an smother some poor not so innocent pissant who got on my last nerve. im known as the calm goofy fruit loop of a guy who dont get mad at nothin, an most of thge time thats true, but thats the me with control, with out that its a nightmare bein near me, but im smarter than to take on some kid and cops at the same time, because thats all it ever adds up to, cops. here to protect and serve. well thats good with me because when, someday, i snap there will definitely need to be protecting bein done. my blood is boilin every day, and im waitin for some kid to get to close, and he'll get burnt...burnt real bad.
       see now thats me on the inside, thats the me i hope no one ever has to see, but im conflicted, i wanna just beat some one, somethin, i wanna get everything out that is killing me on the inside, but im lost, im at a loss of direction, im being tossed about in a sea of confusion, frustration, anger, self-denial, even a lil bit of pitty. but in my rage i see a light, at first i think im dellusional, but as i look closer, in that light is a sign, that sign depicts the real me, the me that i should be. this sign...its in front of a long, barren road, surrounded by dead fields, this sign serves as a warning that what lies behind it is what ill recieve if i do whats in my mind, thank god i can still see in my torrent of anger. and the thing is sometimes im just plain ol mad, pissed at the world for spinnin to fast, i have no reason to be angry but yet i just am. but im a master, a master at hiding the me dangerous me from the people closest to me, im a master of concealing a rage of turmoil in my heart and mind, and a master of killing it. i must stay strong, but im on the verge of breaking, the hairline fractures have turned into gaps, and those gaps turned into to freakin canyons, im at the point of breakin, but like always, the only thing i can do is suck it up and keep going. i must hold on for dear life, dear life is all i have, its all i need. when will this storm be over? when will i see the light of day that was cruely diminished to a dwindling glint off in the distance? when will the storm clear, allowing me to move on, to walk forward without being blown back twice the distance i had progressed,every time i call out my voice gets loosed in the echo of an over powering crash of thunder,im lost in the darkness that surrounds me, it consumes me...im lost. god give me guidance, i have to get out of this. i cant be lost forever.