what?

              So...hmmmm. Where have i been these past few months? No one cares? Right, forgot about that. I forgot how great it was to vent on here and not worry about feed back of any sort, I love it. So today i realized that after months of heart break and pain that I'm gonna be perfectly OK, its a long story. I looked out over the ridge and down past the levy and watched the parched faded grass breathe the wind and gun powder, i looked toward the sky and watch the birds flutter and evade lost slugs powering through the sky and smash into the trees, i heard grown men laugh, knowing that they've probably been through the exact same things that I have, and they told stories. They told funny stories and completely disregarded the painful sagas they've toughed out, and they made it to be happy grown old men. That's what I'm gonna be, maybe not so happy, but all the less alive with stories and memories. Oh and by the way I came to this reckoning and a trap shoot at a sportsman's club...happy grown men with guns...yes. I'm gonna survive this sucky situation and laugh at it in a few months when I'm no longer dwelling on the lost love and striving for the new found soul i recently bought...acquired through learning from all this. i really have nothing to say now, this was just a venting session...now I'm just brushing up on my keying skills so i don't totally suck when school starts tomorrow. FALL OUT BOY IS QUITE A SNAZZY BAND! I hope I'm as strong as i am now when i see you tomorrow, i always feel so strong before the storm and then crumble in a heaping mess when i stand across form you in the hall in the mornings and after school...you never really realized what you've done to me have you? you dont see that your choices left my heart a cracked egg waiting to break...and while you were off galavanting with your new spark i was all alone crying on my own shoulder because you were the only one who knew i was way to stubborn to get help...you thought i was ok with what you were doing, you thought i wasnt attached to you anymore? Wrong my dear, how mistaken were you, but wait...you did know, and you said sorry, thank you. But whats next? How long will this game last? Hey, I'm not mad at you, just curious, I wouldnt change anything thats happened this past year. Wow this blog is all over the place...oh well its mine. But as much as you hurt me i miss you, i miss you next to me, i miss you head on my shoulder and you hair in my face, i miss holding your hand in the car, i miss walking up behind you and grabbing you, i miss making you laugh sooo hard, i miss our stupid adventures, i miss all those nights on the phone, i miss our adventure book, too bad you'll never read this, and if you did to bad this wont change your thoughts or decisions...so i guess what was is gone and im all alone again? Yupp...you know who you are if your reading this, but youve taken who i am and changed me, for good and worse, and i pray to God for you to let me go now or love me like you used to...but i wont get my hopes up. I'll miss you forever, because that's how long youll be gone...I love you, i still remember what that means.

the best thing

                             
 i really think this song speaks for itself. 15 years ago today the world got a million times brighter as a certain beautiful girl was born, she wont let me use her name. Are chicken nuggets made with real chicken?? Theres a caveman in your parking lot! choctor pepper?? dolphin noises!! i think were lost...lets catch the sunset!! ahhhhh a pet rock! im coot? robin hates me...the fries are still on the windshield!! i almost flew threw that windsheild...pick it up the earth doesnt like to be littered on...fine but i just want you to know im not gonna like this. red car red car red car!! they have breaks they have breaks!!  just thought i should relive some memories:) so this goes to my best friend on her 15th birthday, even though you dont want me to say this...happy birthday you short twisted crazy beautiful piece of existance! lets start from the beginning, maaaaaaaath:/ first thanks for "helping";) so all those days of math wouldve have never ended if it wasnt for you, it makes me sooo sad i didnt know you at the beginning of the year, maybe things wouldve turned out better and so much of the pain you saw me in wouldve never happened...but your my friend now and thats all that matters. your the coolest person ever, you know who you are. 15 years ago today a new chapter started, and im soo glad im part of the story, ive never felt appreciated, loved or happy until now, stricken by a plague of the past we stumble forward hand in hand making our way through life, making memories that couldnt be replaced or taken no matter what. god mustve had some kind of plan for us because theres no way such perfect friends just happen to meet. what do i say next? well theres just so much, i feel so bad that people dont know this person, i often think "it must suck not knowing her, i feel so bad for them." i dont often use the word blessing or blessed because they themselves are too much a rarity in my sad little life, but theres no other way to describe a friendship like ours, a personality that really should be the envy of everyone who encounters you, a smile that would make Koney love kids, a laugh so spaztic, crazy, adorable, and cute that i wish mine was like that, with eyes soo pretty that a scientist once thought, "whoaaahh, why are those two stars so close to the earth?" then he exploded running naked down the streets. with a sense of music soo great that the whole flippin world should have her playist and be glad they did, i wish i did...so to the one person who understands me, n
knows my real life story, makes me laugh, smile, to the one person who makes me sad when i cant talk to you, your the greatest little grom to be shoved into this world, idc about your past, idc what happened then, i just wanna be a part of your now and future, i care about then:)

Dear Mr. Thorne

Micheal Jackson, a theme in which we made a successful year performing, made a movie, that movie is called This is It! Well ironically this it! Congrats Mr. Thorne, 36 years ago you began a career that no doubt has changed lives of hundreds of kids in the bands you tought, including me. Almost two years ago I joined this band, and i didnt know a thing, along with everything else in life i was totally clueless to the language we call music, and the first first thing you say is, "hello joe." Why the name Joe slipped out i have no idea, but the next question I heard was "you wanna play tuba?" at the time I simply thought, well ok i have no idea how but sure, at that time i had noooooo idea what was in for me, like getting ran over by a trailer, dancing through parades and half time shows, running laps when i was goofin off , and when wasnt I? if it wasnt for your work i wouldnt be able to say "one time at band camp", i wouldnt be able to play instruments, i wouldnt have gone to all those contests, walked into the light with my sousaphone in the tunnel at edwardsville right before my first fieldshow. I wouldnt have played field music in front of the Statue of Liberty, I wouldnt have stood on the 86th floor of the empire state building, i wouldnt have stood in the middle of the grand central station, i wouldnt have gotten ripped by some jamaican guy in china town, i wouldnt have almost gotten in a fight with some random guy, i wouldnt have went to broadway, i wouldnt have played with a professional, wait i have everyday, i almost forgot you were a pro...i wouldnt have went on a cruise on the hudson river at night when the horizon is lit up with the most beautiful sight ive ever seen, i wouldnt have walked through central park and spoke with you about stuff i cant even remember, i wouldnt have seen the world trade center ground zero sight, i wouldnt have seen the site that changed america, i wouldnt have went to a city where all walks of life take their place in existence, i wouldnt have made the friends i have now, i wouldnt have cleaned the muddy floor of the band room after the tree fell, i wouldnt have spent all those nights on a school bus on the way home from a field show, i wouldnt have spent the night on a charter bus, i wouldnt have marched in all those parades you scheduled, i wouldnt have marched in all those field shows you scheduled, you put the work in making them happen just as much or more than we did, i wouldnt have ever been to the east coast if it hadnt been for you (and jam) i wouldnt have learned all i know now, when i walk out those doors next tuesday its gonna be be hard to take that this the last time ill study under you. We havent always seen eye to eye, ive been scolded more than ive been complimented, but that built me, thank you Mr. Thorne, thanks for the passes 8th hour, for the lessons, for suckin me into jazz band, marchin band, the doughnuts, the hot chocolate on the cold days and water on the hot ones. thanks!
                                                                                                   .with subtle sincerity,
                                                                                          The Almighty Zen Master, or Noah...

                              i dont know what to say or write anymore, everytime i try write something i get blocked by my mind trying to piece together shattered words. i wonder what impact they'll have, what message they'll lay on some ones heart, good or bad. its snowing here, its snowing and nothings changed even though i pray that as the snows blankets the ground underneath the earth will change. i look up into a gray fogged up sky and see nothing, but through years of school i know that past the fog and clouds i know that the sky is still blue, past the sky even in broad daylight there are stars, the moon is still there, the sun is still there. everything is still there, except me, im some where else, im in a world where i dont feel what i feel now, what i feel everyday when i wake up. i feel a zen, a peace this world cant offer, a nirvanna, a spiritual release. i breathe out and a deep flowing cloud of old life billows out and a new life is taken in with a gasp. and with this new life i have new eyes, i see better things, i see in the darkest days a light that shines, not through the dark, but behind it, its always waiting, waiting for the seeker to begin his journey, my journey, and it begins now.

terrorist in toronto

                 you wake up, look outside, you see snow. you run outside completely naked and dive in head first, jumping back out after having a strange epiphany about naming your soon to be child after something illegal, and the fact your turning blue. you get up and run to the car still undressed and scrub off the windshield  with a credit card you conveniently found in your neighbors pocket and drive to the nearest store, realizing you cant go in, so you climb on the roof and shout to the world of your predicament, and in return they call the police! so you run, only to be caught and taken to jail for some ridiculous charge. you get stuck in a cell with a brotherly love Eskimo named Lucius, and after judo chopping and paper signing your free. after that parent shaming incident you go to the nearest park and sleep on a bench and wake up thinking it was all a dream, only to figure out you weren't...get hit with a few pusrses, scare a few kids and go home. then you suddenly realize your in the wrong country and you have no clothes what so ever, so you steal them from a hobo, buy a plane ticket and get on the wrong plane and end up in Toronto. you get to a hotel and party with the staffs security until you get a fone call from bill cosby saying you need to be a better person. suddenly you wake up in a pile of snow stark naked in toronto with a picture of bill cosby.

                             i wake up and look out my window, i see for miles the vast country, green frosty grass like a sea of light stained glass sitting flatly outside my door. calmly and quietly the sun rises over the grassy horizon as i step outside into the tranquil world and breathe the cold air, exhaling soft steam flowing out my mouth and nose as i walk to the car. every morning i wake up almost zombie like i find myself wearing out a little more each day, finding less and less energy just to move.every day i have to learn to walk again, just out of memory is hardly enough. i pray to God everyday for strength to live, forcing my will to make it through school, failing to pa attention in almost every class, flowing from class to class with the crowd of people going in that direction, total mind block, but through it all i survive, learning to walk each day.

a life to lead

                          as these short youthful days waste away i look on my future with anticipation...going to the marines has been a dream Ive dreamt about for all my life, I've spent a good deal of my life in a uniform, whether it be a baseball, T-ball, basketball, football, explore, or marching band uniform, but this uniform, this uniform is the one i cant wait to get in, i cant wait to serve a purpose so big almost no other job on the planet can fill its place. but looking back on my life i see a life almost wasted, yeah I've made people laugh, made friends, left impressions that'll never be forgotten, memories etc. but nothing seems like an amount to anything. recollecting on my past i see mistakes, false judgement of character, loss of friends, gains of bad ones, bad relationships, bad dreams, sins, imperfections, sadness. but i realize now that its just the past, theres no real meaning to it, I've paid my consiquences, and I've moved on. id personally like to say sorry for any transgressions ive committed towards anyone, from this point on im born again, im living for me now.
                  P.S. this isnt my best blog so im sorry about that, its been a while..