wasting the days

                               i looked outside this morning dreading the day, dreading the math test, dreading science class, dreading gym, hating geography. every second of the day i hated, knowing, living, and remembering the day just kinda sorta angered me. its finaly friday every one shouts, and me: oh great...friday, why couldnt it be saturday?? every day in school is eight hours gone a day, 40 hours a week, 224 hours a month on average, 2240 hours in a school year, 2240 hours ill never get back, not including extra curricular activities, so roughly 2240 hours ill never relive, the way i want to live them, i know i need school and i know everyone has or does feel this way babout school, im jus putting how i feel on the internet so all you can read it. every day i wake up, take a shower, get ready, and leave, walk into each class, and start dreading every minute of it, yes i have friends, and theyre the reasons i dont give up entirely, im just lookin to waste away the days, wake up, eat, shower, work, sleep. thats its. thats may day off, my summer...good enough, its not school, im good with some work, a nice long shower and then...sleep. hangin with friends is always welcome to. i want to watch the sun rise over the horizon, slowly set its enchanting glow in the air, watching the leaves glow with radiance, watching them float and shudder with the calm wind, a warm breeze flowing all around, i want to walk around the yard with no shoes at the crack of dawn, watching the dew glisten in the emerald grass, and then sleep til noon, i want to smell fresh cut grass, i want to hear lawn mowers and table saws and anything that reminds me of summer, all the life of summer, forget spring and fall and bitter winter, i want me some good ol summer, i want to drive out to my granpas farm with the windows down and the music up, i wanna drive through the country as slow as possible, pull up to a pasture or field, park, climb up on the hood and lay there, and just sleep, or watch the clouds float on by. i want to draw, watch movies and listen to music every waking moment, and dream of drawing, music, movies, sunlight, and whatever i want to dream about. i wanna skip rocks in missouri, i wanna walk through the woods, find that perfect shot, shoot, but not with a gun, a camera. i like hunting but sometimes instead of taking life, why not just preserve it, let it live forever?? i wanna go down by the river, find a good smooth boulder, or a good fork in a tree, and guess what im gonna do...sleep. i wanna hear the sound of the river flow by, tempting to even jump in to, but nahhh, just sleeping will do. i just wanna waste the days away, not thinking ahead for a project or homework, but i wanna look back, look back on the day before, and do the same thing, i just wanna waste the days.

show time

                              I'm ready...I'm focused....wait..where did i put music, oh wait where i always put it, now....what does this note sound like, to low, or to high? no, just right. which song goes first...hmmm what will we sound like tonight?? OK i have my tuba ready, got my music, ready, focused, what else...? as we walk out to the auditorium from the band room pressure seems to fade and leave me, funny...isn't that supposed to be the other way around? open the door, walk on the stage...quietly in unison with everyone else. don't sit down until your told you can, wow how many time have i heard that?? sit down, look out into the ominous sullen crowd slowly gathering, filing into their seats, expecting a good performance, expecting...more like demanding. pull my folder out of the bell of my tuba, which has proven quite a handy traveling holder for music, and set it up on the stand in front of me, putting everything in order, first to last planing my performance, actually by this time, planing my routine for the night, all the while watching the director walk over to the mic, and announce our arrival, as if it hadn't been obvious enough, and announcing the music and every little detail, basically eating my patience. and after he has finished serenading the already bored crowd with his banter of how old this piece is and who wrote it, he walks over to the podium, raises his arms and prepares to begin the show. OK...showtime...I've played this before...i can do it again, after all its not like a competition where were being judged or anything, whats there to worry about?? oh wait...sounding like crap....yea theres something, but no we've played this all to much to sound like crap. and then the conductor, Steve Thorne, begins. started out strong...nice...lets finish it that way shall we? next song, bring it on, done...no problem, third song, easy...wow this went quick, fourth song, in the bag. done, whew, quick and painless. walking out  was easier than walking in, usually, grab a chair and stand...wow that's easy while also carrying the biggest instrument there...i think ill pass on the chair. made to the band room in good shape, everything with me?? yep, good to go..

celebrate

                               Easter is here again, my fifteenth years celebrating this traditional holiday, fifteen years of fake and real eggs, thirteen years of running around my grandmas yard hunting, searching, hunting, looking, spying for eggs, a lifetime of tradition, family and happiness. but of course Easter for me isn't all eggs, color, candy, and other little things of little importance, but mainly surrounding myself with family, the resurrection of god, and celebrating another year of life lived and shared with each other. usually Easter is thought of as eggs and bunnies, but not to many people, mainly younger children, don't realize that there is so much more to Easter than that. but this blog isn't going to be as personal as my other ones, but as i was saying, fifteen years of Easter, its kind of hard to believe its been that long, but seemingly so quick, today has probably been the most memorable though, thanks to my 4 year old cousin, Carson. this little ball of crazy isn't like other 4 year olds, his wild energy and endless enthusiasm is contagious, funny, and down right loveable, helping this little kid find Easter eggs is better than finding them for yourself, first finding them, then giving him hints until he finally catches on, then finds the egg for himself, and then seeing the surprised face of satisfaction, and then seeing him run off to find more in sheer joy and enthusiasm, watching him jump and holler and run and chase jack, our grandmas yellow lab, just reminded me of how i used to be around his age, all the memories of Easter dinner, egg hunting, board games, laughs, smiles, love, just all around American holidays, fifteen years and fifteen thousand memories, its been a miracle to have what i have, happy easter!

live

                           life to me is one of those gifts that gets treated like a stray puppy, people really don't pay enough attention to it, to realize that that stray puppy may not be healthy, and people may not realize that their lives aren't to healthy. some times i forget whats real, i forget that theres life past the next few minutes, i lose sight of where my life is leading me, and sometimes it takes me down a rough worn path that shakes me back to reality, and in this reality i see that the path I've been on isn't to promising. living life is a privilege all to often taken for granted, I've taken my life for granted, I've been scared to make mistakes that, mistakes i couldve learned from in the future, and ended up making mistakes that making life a frustrating encounter. life is a freedom, sadly some people never knew or will know, life is a god given right. sometimes life feels like a cage with iron bars and an electric fence, every time i try to escape i get shocked with another problem or difficulty holding me back from my own life, a life that i control, things in this life can be blinding, like staring into the sun, so bright that seeing in front of you anymore is a daily battle, that can be life, a daily battle. but life...from my experiences isn't all that bad though, i still find the reason to smile, to laugh, i find the reason to look up at the stars at night, to stare past the constellations to the moon and beyond, wondering whats out there, dreaming of life, i still find the reasons to breathe, every moment, every breathe, is a choice. i still find a reason to watch the sunset from my tree house, to watch the grass flow with the wind, watching the sun bounce off the green illuminating the trees around me creating a glow, a luster of light, i still find reasons to walk in the rain, i still splash in puddles, i still watch snow fall all around me, piling up, i still find reasons to love. i often see my life before me, from kindergarten to high school, from preschool to me sitting on my bed writing this now, i still find a reason for everything. and sometimes i don't find a reason for what i do, but who cares, i do it anyways. that's the thing with life, there's not always a reason, or a purpose, it just happens, its just there, it just grew that way, it just smells that way, it just feels that way, it just tastes that way, so get on with your life, quit worrying about here and now, think about there and later, think about what you want, think about why people don't have tails, whatever you want, that's the thing about life, IT DOESN'T MATTER. isn't that great or what? thats the thing about life, its yours, so live it, love it, and freaking have some fun with it.

whats real

                                           whats real in life?? is what you find in magazines and movies real?? is what you hear on CDs and radios real?? in almost all the songs nowdays what your gonna hear is that someone in a relationship got in a fight and some one walked out, and in these poorly written pathetic love songs it always ends up that the person who gets walked out on chases down the person who walks out in a ball of miserable tears and "im sorry take me back", and some how that works. but in real life, the real picture, those relationships end up the oppostie, they end up in loud arguements and names and anger, and when one person gets the brains to leave they hear, "see ya later, dont let the door hit ya on the way out!". now im not sayin that always happens but most break ups i know dont end like a fairy tale that takes a cross-country chase, tears and apologies to make thigns work. yes things can work out but usually in different ways here in the real world. whats real in this world is whats in you, not whats on the radio or the next channel, its whats in your soul begging like a caged animal dying to be let free, its what you know during the day and dream of in your sleep, its whats in the back of your mind at school and whats on your mind out of school. its how you act away from your friends, when your alone because your uncomfortavle with who you truly are, its not what you pretend to be. its what you cant hide with new clothes or cheap overly applied make up. like me for example, im not who i am at school, sure i like to do what i do at school, which is goof around, but at home im a different kind of person, i dont show it because i got lost in what surrounds me, the sea of different personalities, some real genuine personalties, and some fake seemingly "store bought" personalities because those people are afraid of ridicule, down right terrified, and sometimes i can just smell it, but me, im not afraid, i dont hide myself, i just choose not to show it, but thats all gonna change, especially after a push-shove argument with my brother harley. today after we got home he thinks its funny to pick on and annoy, successfuly, me, and well he did and thought he had the right to shove me into a wall, and well me sayin "ohhh some one thinks he's strong" and ill give him credit, he is, but with his ego he mouths off, " i know i am, thats the difference between me and you". and thats where i just laughed, because he may not realize it, but we are polar opposites, he cares too much about his pathetic little image, how he looks to his friends, he cares to much about how strong he is, where i could care less about all those things, where his ego states that if he's strong he can win fights, well id rather catch a sucker punch to the back of the head while walking away than take a pointless blow to the front of my face and get arrested for fighting back, see im not a passavist but instead of fighting then and breaking something an getting wreamed, im writing this now, thats what i do, i dont like to fight, im just not that person and it will take forever to get me in to the point to just kick some ones face in, but if there ever comes a time where i have to i definitely will. thats whats real about me, i can see past what my friends think, like i said before in a previous blog id rather be a loner in the corner and have no real friends than having fake friends i have to hide my true self from. whats real is when you take the heat and crap form the losers who cant accept who you are and plan to be, and go on with your life the way you want to live. thats whats real.

learn to fly

                       i wish i could fly, like not in a plane or anything, i wish that when we were being created god gave us the power to fly. if i could fly possibilities are endless. i wish i could take off ouut of no where, i wish i could soar the clouds, soar out of this world and into the universe, i wish i could fly to the moon, i wish i could fly to the milky way, float through out the galaxy next to the stars, run along the craters in mars, float next to satellites and see what they see, and then re enter the atmosphere in a ball of fire smashing through sky out flying any plane or bird, i want to fly over the great planes, see the rolling hills and emerald green grass flowing beneath me, i want to soar through the rocky mountains, through the snow capped mountains and out to the west coast, i just wanna fly. i want to leave myself behind, i want to burst free of the chains and burdens in my life, and i want to fly i want to see the sunset from the air, i want to see from a birds eye view, i want to se what they see day to day, i want to jump off niagra falls and right before i hit the water i want to lift myself up into the blue sky.

on the mend

                             i honestly thought there would be no end to what i was living, what i would call a Friday night nightmare, well because it was Friday night at a band competition, the state competition, after three tornado warnings id say our minds were elsewhere thinking about a potential tornado swooping down crashing through the ceiling and sweeping us away like rags. although thankfully that never happened, we got a second place rating, which isn't too bad but we could've done better. after we were done performing we packed away to our designated homeroom and there on did what we wanted, walked around, goofed around, which we later payed for, and just had fun, but it was getting almost unbearable to stay in this over packed school with hundreds of students, so i decided so walk outside to relax and catch my breathe, then realizing that there was a substantial down pour of rain, not too bad but enough to get you pretty wet if you stayed out there long enough, but alone i could not fore more than a minute, and then out comes some good friends of mine. and after a series of events i found myself walking in the rain, in somewhat of a stupor, i wasn't truly connected with the world at that point, i could hear the rolling echo of thunder smashing through the dark blackened sky as i trudged along, the flashes of lightning lighting up the dark sky into a pale purple, i walked and walked, letting the rain wash me away, feeling it soak in and wash myself clean, feeling the rain run through my hair, it felt as if the sky felt my pain as well, as if it were crying the tears i couldn't find. and i just stood there, knowing id probably get in trouble because i was drenched, but what did i care? and i started walking, i was making my way around the school and i saw this tree with flowers on it, and i pulled off a flower, and just stared out into the night, and to the flower, and back out into the night, now i was truly alone, i had my wish. and i kept walking, walked right up to a window and saw that some of my friends in choir were singing, and sitting and laughing, and all that separated me from them was not even an inch of glass, but then again i was miles away, and i just walking, not knowing where to go, and it didn't matter if i knew or didn't know, i was just walking, avoiding my shadow, trying walk far enough i would walk right out of my own body, and fly way away with the wind. and as the night dragged on, i grew weary walking and i headed back inside the school, thinking to myself, "great...back to the old drama in a new place". and with night aging the rain poured on, the thunder continued its smashing down, and the lightning continued to zap the earth with bolts of white light and fury, but finally the contested died away, and we loaded up and rolled out of the parking lot, and left for home. as the long haul back to Jacksonville progressed, so did the rain, and the humidity and goofiness of the bus. and when we arrived home we left as quickly as we unloaded, with lightning speed, leaving a huge trail behind us. and on the ride home another series of events sent me into to a new spiralling downfall of depression, leaving me to drown in anguish and pain i somehow must have deserved  for the rest of the weekend. but with time my heart has mended, and the familiar pain is beginning to subside, it will always be there, but its numbed for now, thank you to all the friends who have my back, you saved me.

alone

                bleh.

memory

      
            for the first time in i dont kno how long...i dug out a ladder, leaned up against the old plywood rail, an started to climb, i climbed all the way up to the dilapidated old tree house i grew up in, each rung a new memory unfolded in my mind, all the while praying that the ladder wouldnt slip from under me. and i got to the top, hopped over the last few rungs of the ladder, and stood, stood in the fork of the tree and gazed out on the horizon, a vast beauty mixed with emerald green grass, chocolate brown dirt of the fields, the glow of the light bouncing off the light yellow-green leaves, i remember always seeing that as i was growing up. i had no idea how much i would miss that later on as i got older, and i still have no idea how fortunate i am to be able to see it. and i plan on making more memories, at school me and my friend mike doss get these sodas that are made of glass like old school, and they have the old school caps on em, well for every cap i get im goin to dig a whole in the tree and put it there, and leave it forever, every time i see those, and remember that day at school, comin home, puttin it there, there will always be my mark on that tree. always a memory

hold on

          for anyone who is readin this....for anyone who feels so far down they cant seem to see any light anymore, hang on, ive been there as well. ive struggled and fought with bein made fun of all my life, ive been lower than whale crap in the eyes of others, and today i still am, often ive thought of giving up, locking myself away and doing what i thought needed to be done, but i didnt, thank god for that. life may not seem worth it, but life gets better, the words sting so badly its numbing, you forget it hurts, the pain blinds you to where you cant see whats real,you forget who really matters, who really cares about you, taking your life doesnt just kill you, it kills everyone whio loved and theres more people who love you than you think. taking your life may kill your pain, but it creates pain for others, pain of searing loss, grief, it kills as well as a gun, or knife, or noose, nothing in life is worth ending yours over. your ife was a blessing to some one i gaurantee that, so dont take away that blessing, please.
            i know first hand the pain of loss, its like a building on your heart, thats what happens when you do this, and to the people who cause suicide for others, you may not even know your destroying some ones life, but think about what its doing to that person, so stop. for the people who nothing left in their lives, trust me there is something, there is help, there is someone, always.

faces

well today i realized something, the longer you look at some ones face, the more it changes, you see things you never saw, details so faint to the eye the only way to see them is to study that persons face thoroughly, which sounds very weird and akward, but until you look you wont know how true my words are. and this fact reminds me of everything, the longer you look, the more you see, the more you can enjoy, or more is uncovered in discovery. the longer you look at the face of the earth the more it changes, and the earth changes right under our noses more often than we know, and we'll never realize it, unless you look. the world changes every few seconds, a new fashion or style emerges from the ashes of an old outta date one. a new religion is formed, another child is born, some one dies and we'll never know, because no one truly knows what goes on in the world, we're too self consumed in whats right here in our very own hands, or down the road. even on a smaller scale everything changes for better and worse, if your still in school like me look down the hallway tomorrow and see me how many faces there are that youve never seen, youd be amazed. its all right there and so easy to see, just look.

pictures

                      
              pictures define america and our lives, it captures, inspires, preserves the heart of america, the world, and most importantly our lives. flipping through a photo album is closest we could ever get to time travel, i love pictures, theyre the wordless stories of our lives, an ancesrty of your family. today i was skipping rocks in missouri, and a few hours later i found myself sitting in front of my computer spilling my thoughts onto a blank page waiting to be formed, created, painted by words artisticly so that when your reading this paragraph not only seeing these words you see a picture in your mind of something you could only remember through a photo. photos for over two hundred years has been the only closest thing we have had to time travel, the only thing weve had letting us relive memories. i remember as a young kid walking the trails of rifle falls, a forest that closely resembles heaven to me, a state park of memories to me, i remember walking through those trails, not knowing where i was even going, but trusting these trails to guide me, photographs guide as well, when i look at the photos of rifle falls, and i look at the date, 1999, or 1998, or 1997, i could almost shed a tear, time has flown by soo soo quickly, time slips through our hands like sand, no matter how hard you squeeze your hand in hopes to obtain the sand and keep it there, it slips through, the same with time, the forever ticking hand of time continuously progressing, but...one thing can stop the hands of time, pictures. you begin dying since the day you are born, one day lived is a day closer to death, but when your gone, you never die, there will always be a trace leading to you, starting with pictures. so as your reading this, stop. stop reading, pull out your phone or camera, and take a picture, of something you want to remember or be remembered for til the day you die and beyond the grave.

i am what i am

                      let me be myself, so i can shine in  my own life!!!!!!!! dont let me get caught up in the flow of society, the groove of fashion, personality profiling, dont let me follow religiously in the trampled worn path of others and what they follow, or you have failed me as a freind, teacher, sibling, parent, or whatever you may be to me, dont let me lose myself in a world revolving around itself, dont let me sink in the quick sand that can consume me in the instant it feels hungry for a new victim of society it needs to suck dry of personality and charisma, originality, spunk. i am what i am, if you cant see me for me, in your eyes you cant see my originality as an inspiration, then your eyes are blind, useless. our eyes are unique in the fact that they allow us to see difference, distinguish personality from a piece of clothing or a necklace or a fone, they allow us to see a difference in what we are, but unfortunately that gift is wasted, the gift to see beyond our own selves, tossed away for a new pair of shoes that might make us look richer, or better, or more stylish. if god intended us to not be able to tell a difference with our eyes he would have given us the eyes of the beasts and animals that cant even distinguish color, or in fact if he didnt want us to tell the difference between personality and a physical object, would he have given us eyes at all??
                      if you cant see me as a person unlike others, if you think all i am is a follower of a certain fashion, or anything of that manner, call up a search party, because your brain mustve gone missing. i grew up to several personalities, country, modern, old school, and which one do i live the most? which ever one i feel like living that certain day. does it matter what i where?? how i walk?? what color of shoes i wear, if i have holes in my jeans?? which way i wear my hat?? the way i talk??? why must it matter what i do and why i do it??im a free person with a soul of my very own, a soul that no government can censor, no principal can put rules on, a soul that can bend and flex but will never break. no king or queen or president or government agency could ever do what they wanted to it, sure they create laws that i must obey, sure i dont want to go to prison anytime soon, but my soul and personality is something i can truly call my own, and ill keep it and change it as i and only i please, so feel free to comment, suggest, rate, or judge me as you please but hear this, no matter what you do or say i will NOT change for any man or woman, if you cant accept me for me then get outta my way i have better things to do than be near you, i have a life to live, and if it means living a loner life but being able to be myself, then i dont mind siiting alone in the corner, eating alone, heck i can jus talk to myself, that can be quite entertaining. so think of me how you will i cant control thoughts, but i can control me, who i am, my soul, and its saying, "accept me or live without me, its your choice."

past

               bleeehhhhhhhhhh...the first two days of spring break, i hope its goin better for everyone else than it is for me, honestly its not that bad but it could be wayy better. but i realized something this weekend though, this evening to be exact, its that everything can be traced, tracked, everything has a past you can follow. after laying on my porch looking up at the sky, gazing at the clouds gently blown away by vicious wind, i saw three planes all heading in the same direction, leaving a trail behind them, and i realized, everything has a past, no matter how long or short, shallow or deep, painful or painless, everything has a story, and a story ready to be made, which is why i love old cars and houses and old bottles, i cant help but imagine, wonder, who lived here, who drove this before me or who ever is drivin said vehicle, who drank whatever was in the old bottle, or old farm equipment, i cant help but wonder what its been through, all those years, the decades of history its been through. everything has a past, but what will we make our future?
                  

spring break

spring break is here, why am i not excited? is it because i remember winter break like it was 5 minutes ago? because summer break feels like it was 10 minutes ago?? i may be a kid but i know how it feels when time flies if your a person like me who loves now, this exact moment, an i know when its gone its gone, it only exists in a memory, but its always a part of our lives, following us around like shadows, like footprints. but spring break is here!! more memories to make! why stick to the past when you can just relive it again?? just the feeling of the last bell ringing, the doors opening, the feeling i wont be here for a week, not nlong when you think about it, but when you take it day by day, its a good long while to enjoy being "free".  freedom of the jail cell called jhs, a penatentary of learning, mandatory by law attendance, thats a start right?