merry CHRISTmas!!

                  so ive noticed that lately its no longer merry christmas filling up billboards an lit up on tv screens...its happy holidays. this to me rips away the WHOLE MEANING of christmas, its a christian holiday, lets keep ot that way shall we?? back to biblical times when this holiday was created its been a christian holliday...idc who gets offended if i say merry christmas instead of happy hollidays, if you dont believe in the true meaning of this annual celebration, dont celebrate it, or make your own. now that thats out of the way...hows your christmas break going so far?? i believe that im all set, i have a rather large book, The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy, which by far has to be the funniest dumbest strangest novel ive ever read, it must be the intergalatic travel on improbability drive, finding unkown, uninhabited, useless old planets and turning nuclear missiles into a bowl of petunias and a sperm whale who hasnt yet realized whats going on due to the fact he was just pulled into existence right before meeting his ultmimate all after the earth being destroyed because aliens are building an express way, when your earthly house was being destroyed for the same reason. and once i think of it, i think ill ad that to my wish list, a stolen spaceship flying through a desolate galaxy...think thatll go in my stocking quite nicely. the very thought of waking up on christmas day jus excites me to my very soul, not so much the presents or the food, but for all my life ive done this, and its the tradition that counts. but in better years we had a white christmas, but now it hasnt been below 40 degrees:/.  even then ill be occupied with my old video games, as in spyro, thps 2, and medal of honor, the games i grew up with.

the sky is falling

                                               the sun sets in the west, the climactic ending of another earth day, the glow of the caramel sky settling on the clouds giving them the characteristic of a golden marshmallow floating in a blue oasis of air. each blade of grass glistening in its place, shuttering at the slightest breeze, its feeble limber structure dancing a complex tango with the wind, such a beauty as the sun rests its weary head down on the fiery horizon to the west, a delicacy the sight of this glorious event all to often taken for granted. a shame the average man cant stop to feel this phenomenon, this common cycle, this God created affair with earth, sky, and sun. as this this star falls to position of disappearance an new stage unfolds in its absence, night. as the burning light dims with its last spark of glory finally dies not even an ember, the midnight sun takes its place in this new feat, night. as we lay dormant in slumber a world breathes life, a nocturnal atmosphere flows into the earth. as the sky blackens it lights up a silver glimmer, a faint trickle of light sheds to earth, bleeding the ground white with light almost invisible to the eye not properly adjusted to night, the animal life all to different than the previous hours, the frogs and crickets more present, the cats of the neighborhood creeping through the grass, their eyes shining through the night, with a feeling of safe and security while the dogs and children are fast asleep. the clouds no longer a gold tone but a silvery ash floating with the moon, a backdrop for the stage, the second set for the never ending play of life. and alas the stars fall to place in the sky giving light to the animals giving chase to another, the birds of night preying on young carless rodents and bugs. but as these stars fall to place a new detail formed to the sky, the glow like the twinkle of an eye, spreading accross the galaxies, from big unto small the variety of these stars, stationary to zipping from sky to space, never stopping, a ball of motion never ceasing, passing by all the wonders, clouds of dust and star stretching abroad, each star burst making a path, the milky way gently rolling about space while the nebulas gather more dust. the rain of comets giving the notion of the sky falling. but the moments never last as the sky drains of black and the new sun sparks a breathe of light into the sky, the fading black sky kissing the earth with new light in its place, the grass glistens of the dew gently flowing down the spine of grass, a blood red glow burning the sky up, morning has come, but night never fades, somewhere around the earth...night begins its cycle a new..

taking my world back

                                                 this song doesnt have much to do with the blog
                                                itd fit well:)
these past years have swept by like nascars on the track, fast, unrelenting, sweet in victory, bitter in defeat, but no matter what, no matter how fast your going, what happens, you cant stop, or you get smashed into at a hundred an ten but some other person who cant stop either, but you cant slow down. today i was riding home after band camp, all pumped up by the songs we were playing and our progress and what we could achieve, but as we were riding home i looked out the window, and my phsyched out mentality died with each blink spent staring out the window watchhing the sun slowly but surely settle down creating a bronze glow slipping through the trees with a bright green luster accenting the glow, watching the corn stiffly dance with the wind in a duet so sophisticatedly simple yet wonderously beautiful that the green from the corn seemed to flow out of the plant and linger about the air in such violent grace. something that always amazes me is grass, so feeble and weak to the touch, but it can last through storms as powerful as tornadoes and hurricanes, while most people are cowering under their bedsheeets praying that the storm will pass, but the grass and other natures are toughing it out, it reminds me that life can be tough as steel yet as soft as lamb fur, strength in the weak, it takes me back through the last few years when i truly discovered the world in a whole new eye, i was getting prepared to write my first middle school essay, we were going to write a paper about our favorite place, and i chose to write about one of my all time number one child memory, the trails of rifle falls state park in the middle of the rocky mountains, one of the highest places in america, where birds fly almost ground level just so they can get the air they need, but while writing this paper i really discovered what the world is, its ours, its what we make it, and im taking back what mine used to be, back when i was real with the world, back when i was zen with everything, back when i knew what i needed to know, but as i grew i learned more and more, changing along with the world, my pattern shifting like a fault line in the earth in an earth quake. i found that life is a delicate bomb, soft steel, a contradiction, a simple maze, a wonderful tragedy, its one thing that it isnt the next moment, a beautiful unfolding one minute, and then a tragedy closing the curtains in the next set, the world is ours, its what we make it, and im making it mine, what will you make it?

adventure time!!!!

                    i just spent a portion of my weekend in a hotel called the embassy suites, fancy right? no. it would've been when a hotel is under renovation its not exactly the purttiest thang on earth, but hey there was a water fall in the lobby, a see through elevator, a diamond shaped frame building, okish rooms, and plenty of adventure for two brohams like me and Dalton Slater, two O.G.s such as ourselves could find plenty to do in a party palace such as this place. well after checking in and gathering ourselves to the proper attitude of adventure and exploration i decided after  the whole ride and a BK double stack grease bomb in my stomach later i needed to drop a deuce or two, as personal as that sounds that all part of this adventure. i walk in the bathroom and what do i find? the yournals taped off and the floor run a muck with...well beyond that part of this verbal tour i found the appropriate stall after a very precise and complicated inspection (kick the door, hoping no one is in there, scope the place out, an do my deed) i dropped my timber and got outta there in a sure fire hurry. after a fumigation and bail i was on my way up to the fifth floor, after an intense ride in the transparent flight in the elevator and screams we found the crib in which we were to live the next night, we checked out the 42" TVs and cushy bed and showers and another bathroom time we were down at the pool diving an splashing, Dalton "underwater boarding" with one of them life saver things, getting in the hot tub then back in the pool to see how cold it was, by the way it was pertty flippin cold, then by the time we were done i was as cold as a witches teet in december in eskimoville alaska we were back in the room plotting adventures, but then we noticed something, we saw a leak coming form the bottom of the cabinet, not good!!!!!!! so we called the crazy front desk service lady and realized that we had an exra room on our hands that wasnt being used, but it was two floors down...booyah!!!!:) so that was an adventure in itself, but we moved bit by bit, cloth by cloth. once we were established in our new abode we flipped on much crappier not 42'' tvs to whatever was on that night, jersey shore and viva la bam, all night long we watched these beastly wastes of life and then another adventture unfolds, sleeping in the bathroom shower because the floor tiles were heated and the rooms were freezing cold, twoand two makes four right? after the adventures ended at 340 in the morning, and we slept for a few hours. when we woke up we swam and swam then ate for a bit, then checked out after adventure after adventure, and left for home, but before that we stopped at golden corral and didnt even eat because the food was terrible, and me and dalton went to the bathroom for the best adventure of all, after a series of mumble grumbles howls growls and epic rap battles and hand holding we were finally finished with our adventures, as sad as it seems its true, for now the adventures are over, for now:)

pointless

                               this blog today is about aything and everything i have going down in my mind, just the nitty gritty of the processes of my brain put down on this page. the song really has no meaning related to this blog but i recently found it and i love it, yeah thats what ill talk about, mussssiiiiicccc!!! so like i said i just recently found the old punk band kid named chicago, along with their later separate projets of mayday parade and defining moment, as mayday parade is the newest but to me i think that kid named chicago has done some better work. but why even compare two bands that are the same? really all punk music to me is the greatest  music created, its speaks to me because most punk songs relate to teen life unlike any other music produced. now im going to move on to my opinion to other media such as crappy tv shows like jersey shore and true life, degrassi, secret teen, glee, and all that crap, what a waste of millions of dollars we could use to rebuild our economy and boost this...stimulus thing we got going  that failed like everything else weve tried to do to make this country work again, but instead we make these bull crap teen shows with no meaning but drama and pregnancy and suicide, drugs, idiocy, and everything stupid about teen life now days. but hey its whatever i dont watch that stuff so it doesnt affect me at all, but dont you think its just a waste? whats the meaning? entertainment? drama? or bad promotion, the promotion of drugs, sex, homosexuality, clubs, all the crap that pollutes the earth today. then theres the next issue, money, its unbelieveable how much money is spent by families in america, my brother just informed me of what my parents spend on us, food is about a thousand bucks a month, and after he says that he goes back in to the kitchen and does what  may ak? he eats. yup thats it for now, this has been my first post for a while but this all i got haha, not like anyone reads these..

a million tears from heaven

                you look up, you see the clouds gathering above you in a smoky gray blanket covering the sun, eating the atmosphere, filling the earth with a humid breathe. the wind picks its speed, and moves, nothing could stop it, the prevailing thunder powers the sky, but in five minutes, this strong masculine storm is diminished to a cool breeze, a rainbow, and miniscule cloud cover, typical, average summer rain. as drearily boring as this sounds, ive always thought storms in a different view, ive painted these storms in my mind on a different canvas, every time i felt rain on my skin i thought God was shedding a million tears, the reason i never knew why, everytime i heard thunder i thought God was goin bowling again, everytime i saw lightning bolt through the clouds i thought the mischevious angels found a light switch again, or that God was taking a picture, everytime i saw the snow pile up on the ground i thought God was making cookies and spilled sugar. i always had this imagination, ive always seen things in the wildest perspective. but as the tears fell from the sky my imagination grew in some areas, and died in others, now sometimes i think that God is crying when it rains, but for different reasons, it crosses my mind that when He cries he lost a beliver, or some one died in vain.
             i thinkn that when those salty tears fall from the sky, a person i dont even kno some where in the world weeps along with the rain, every time i see a rainbow i see some one smiling, having survived the rain, and i smile as well. when it thunders, somewhere in a war a gun sounds, taking a life, vanquishing a soul, a soul with a reason to die, or perhaps on the better side of things, saving a life. when lightning appears, then disappears, in the dark cloudy sky, i imagine a lost soul racing its way through the darkness its surrounded in, and when it vanishes, it found its way to where ever it was going. when it snows i believed God was sharing the holliday with us, celebrating His birthday, but along with that i believe he's restoring the earth, healing it like a bandaid. every now and then my imagination goes back to a time when life was nothing more than waking up and going to sleep, i still think a picture was taken, or God maybe does bowl a little, but i always thought that when rain falls down from a mile plus above our haids, ive always thought a million tears from heaven were falling down.

devotional

Psalms 23:1-6
     The Lord is my sheperd, i shall not nbe in want. he makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me by still waters, he restores my soul. he leads me down the path of righteousness, for his name sake.
      Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death i shall fear no evil, for you are with me. your rod and staff, the comfort me.
        you prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.
         surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and i shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
                            
                                i love those verses, ever since centerfuge when the pastor who spoke to us in the mornings and evenings let those verses flow from his mouth with undoubting faith and unconditional love for our Father and savior. ever since that live changing week ive loved those verses, they were burnt into my mind and engraved into to my very heart and soul. He IS the voice of truth, he IS the morning sunrise, he is the sunset, he is the stars in the sky, he IS.

between the law and freedom

Between the Law

and Freedom

A T&V inc original production

             at that moment their lives were shaken beyond any earthquakes damage could inflict...no this was far worse, these two fellows of sheer circumstance would've never been able to predict the path their lives were about to go down. it was routine, wake up early, eat early, work out and lounge all day, lights out at ten sharp, a rut, to easy to follow, this medium security prison was more like a teachers lounge at a school than a prison full of killers and gangsters,thieves, and thugs. this prison was more of a peaceful get away from reality, away from taxes, government ripoffs, scandals, all the things the things these inmates did to land them there, but they didn't care much, they have free room and board. but that day, it was in the air, something was definitely not routine. eight thirty sharp....the guards making their normal morning rounds down the halls back and forth hearing the normal taunts. but that one guy, a normal loud mouth, asinine, vulgar, up front inmate...quiet, dead silent, pale, jumpy...but no one suspected a thing, it was a normal prison, he was probably just sick, no one thought anything of it, deadly mistake. he got up and made his bed, not normal, he walked to the cell door, patiently awaited the matching silver steel bracelets he was so accustomed to be locked around his wrists and ankles, not normal. the only normal thing about that cell was the glittery sunlight filtering itself through the slits of the bars of the small four by four window, but no one noticed anything. he quietly filed his was down the quiet hall to the cafeteria not paying attention to the other loud inmates, normally screaming and cursing at them, spitting through the bars with foul words and saliva, but today, they were invisible to him, his concetration on the smooth concrete floor. he shuffled in the cafeteria, smug and quiet, waiting in line for his food. after thanking the cooks for his breakfast, which had them taken aback in shock at his politeness, he sat down next to two normal inmates, a big burly massive shaggy haired fellow, and a medium sized clean cut,clean shaven guy, he looked at them with a glare, which was the only normal thing he did that day, and that didnt shock the two prisoners at all. he sat down and began to eat...ate, and put his tray away and began to walk back to the guard to be taken out to the yard for his routine work out. but thats when it happened, it was in the air that day, so strong you could taste it on the tip of your tongue, something was going to happen, and it did. he walked past a prisoner, one of those prisoners who thinks its his prison, and tha inmate decides itg was time for a little action, and starts throwin a couple racial slurs around, and at that point, it was done. the prisoner faced him, and swung, the riot began. other prisoners noticed the brawl, and joined. and then...weapons begans to circulate amongst the prisoners, and one was misdirrected strait into a prison gaurds throat, he died before he hit the floor. the keys on his body were confiscated,doors were open, the two prisoners at the table were shoved through the door, acroos the yard, through the gate, and back out into the world, at that moment their lives would never be the same, their lives were about to be sent down a road of chases fights,and running...

 this is....between the law and freedom.

be the young

                    
                      its been a while....since my last post. and i have writers block, and everything i want to say is in this song...enjoy. oh and if your readin this leave a comment on the song or leave an idea for me to write about...

change in patterns: nothing remains the same

               woke up this morning to a somewhat sunny day knowing that looking into the weather on the weather channel seemed a bit absurd in seeing the day looked beautiful. spring has a pattern, a but wild and unpredictable,but nevertheless, a pattern underlines the actions of the weather...which reminds me of my life that i lead, a little wild at points, visciously frustrating at other points...which seem to stumble on me at the wrong and worst of times, funny and stupid on a good day...how ever often those may be, which isnt often enough, and then there are those days that the worst thing ive done was waking up not knowing what was about to bite me, but these days often reoccur in a...pattern. for instance a monday tends to make me wish i hadnt woken up, but then later on during the day it turns out to be either viciously frustrating or hilarious, and whichever it may be, it always reoccurs in a pattern that shape my days into weeks and those miserably frustratingly funny weeks into years, and those years, without regret, are added on to my life. but the pattern changes, nothing stays the same for too long, oh yes there will always be a pattern, but not the same pattern as a week ago, or weeks before, there are always different tracks to be left in the soil upon which i walk, that track maybe smaller than the last, or larger or wider, but those tracks are, without fail, are traced back to a familiar...yet different pattern. once again my patterns mimic the patterns of the springtime weather, i woke up this morning do a great sunny day looking out to the horizon not seeing a single cloud, but then a sudden change, due to pattern, a dark line rolls through, almost blackening out the sky, then a brutal...yet ultimately short storm errupted, like my life, things start out one way, and then shift to the next point of the pattern and then dies out, waiting for another day.

thunder..

                  the majority of people i know, when a storms brews up without notice, heads for cover, some people will hide under the covers hoping that the wind and rain wont find them huddling in a fetal position in the comfort of the room silently praying for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass them by, as quoted from the famous song,sweet child o mine by guns and roses,and hope that there wont be any lasting damage to themselves or their home. but not i, well i hope not lasting damage unfolds itself upon me or my home, revealing what true wrath nature holds for me, but i dont want it to pass me by without any excitement. watching storms form above me in the once blue sky, watching the clouds darken and cover the land around me with a dark shadow like a blanket covering a bed, watching the rain slowly pour closer and closer to me, slowly or quickly drench every square inch of ground, even the ground where i hold fast, steady. feel the wind pushing against me, leaning into the wind with arms spread, feeling the power of the storm engulf me. id love nothing more than to sit up in my tree house or on my roof, and watch the storm pass by or pass through, either way works, watch the limber, yet somehow rigid grass flail in the wind only at the mercy of the storm, watching the branches of the tall trees surrounding my house sway uncontrolably, the leaves flying about in a green frenzy. and most of all, the thunder, i want to hear the thunder, crashig the sky with dominance over the elements, clearly stating its presence with a simple, yet extremely powerful concussion of sound, house shaking, window rattling BANG. hear the thunder roll through the sky like a bowling ball smashing down the lane and into the helpless pins. thunder rippling through the sky like a mad bull chasing after a gutsy rodeo clown, which i would love to see. thunder is the heart, voice, and emotion of a storm, the louder the storm the heavier the rain, more lightning, darker clouds, simple as that. thunder is the storm, everything else is just effect.

weird?

                                   weird- not normal; out of the ordinary; strange. weird is the definition of the world in my eyes, nothing is truly normal, and that evidence is found everywhere, just look. how can any one person know what normal is? one man's weird is another mans dream, one mans akward is another mans comfort. so what makes you so normal? normal to you maybe down right absolutely flippin nuts to the guy/girl/half man half sea horse monkey dolphin floating next to you. that last creature sounds a little weird dont ya think? well if that creature were real, which would rock any scientists every brain cell because such a marvelously amazing creature existed,im pretty sure it would see you as weird as you see it weird, get my point? no? well then...think of it like this, you see a kid walkin down the hallway, he has died hair, ripped jeans, listens to music heavier than ten whales, he wears his hood up, always looking down at the floor, wont make eye contact for his dear life, and you cant help but think, "WHAT A FRUIT! that kid is pertty weird!" well in his his eyes he might see you walkin down the hall, and all he sees is a kid wearin expensive clothes, listenin to some rapper rappin bout drugs, jus gettin outta prison, and stuff of that nature, nice shoes, every thing he doesnt have you do, and that kid probably thinks, "that kid is purtty weird! he aint nothin like me!" see now? each life is stamped with a DIFFERENT seal, each life is branded with likes, dislikes, loves, hates, passions, loathings, ease, suffering, life is given weird things to weird people, and we are all weird, no matter what anyone thinks, that half human half seahorse monkey dolphin floating next to you probably thinks your weird, and id say because it was born with different eyes, it sees things differently! no one knows what normal is because no one has experienced it!

lost

    i woke up today...theres the first mistake. i got dressed and headed to school...second mistake. i may look calm and collected on the outside but on the inside im burnin up, im ready for a fight, im ready to be tested, teased, angered, im ready to snap, i havent snapped for fifteen years, theres a volcanoe in me ready to blow an smother some poor not so innocent pissant who got on my last nerve. im known as the calm goofy fruit loop of a guy who dont get mad at nothin, an most of thge time thats true, but thats the me with control, with out that its a nightmare bein near me, but im smarter than to take on some kid and cops at the same time, because thats all it ever adds up to, cops. here to protect and serve. well thats good with me because when, someday, i snap there will definitely need to be protecting bein done. my blood is boilin every day, and im waitin for some kid to get to close, and he'll get burnt...burnt real bad.
       see now thats me on the inside, thats the me i hope no one ever has to see, but im conflicted, i wanna just beat some one, somethin, i wanna get everything out that is killing me on the inside, but im lost, im at a loss of direction, im being tossed about in a sea of confusion, frustration, anger, self-denial, even a lil bit of pitty. but in my rage i see a light, at first i think im dellusional, but as i look closer, in that light is a sign, that sign depicts the real me, the me that i should be. this sign...its in front of a long, barren road, surrounded by dead fields, this sign serves as a warning that what lies behind it is what ill recieve if i do whats in my mind, thank god i can still see in my torrent of anger. and the thing is sometimes im just plain ol mad, pissed at the world for spinnin to fast, i have no reason to be angry but yet i just am. but im a master, a master at hiding the me dangerous me from the people closest to me, im a master of concealing a rage of turmoil in my heart and mind, and a master of killing it. i must stay strong, but im on the verge of breaking, the hairline fractures have turned into gaps, and those gaps turned into to freakin canyons, im at the point of breakin, but like always, the only thing i can do is suck it up and keep going. i must hold on for dear life, dear life is all i have, its all i need. when will this storm be over? when will i see the light of day that was cruely diminished to a dwindling glint off in the distance? when will the storm clear, allowing me to move on, to walk forward without being blown back twice the distance i had progressed,every time i call out my voice gets loosed in the echo of an over powering crash of thunder,im lost in the darkness that surrounds me, it consumes me...im lost. god give me guidance, i have to get out of this. i cant be lost forever. 

fade

                        some people say, your not being yourself today...im always myself, your just seeing the me i am at home, or when im alone, at school im all happy and smiley, if youve seen me when im not smiling thats the me when your not around, theres a me deep down in the depths of my personality shut away, kept in the dark, chained down by the burdens keeping me back. everything in my world is fading, the color slips lie water, slides through the cracks of time like sand, the color is gone, i see black and white through my tired eyes. as i wake up in the morning and lay there hating that i woke up from the dream i was having, theres still color in my dreams, it hasnt been sucked dry from the disappointments of reality. during the day im not who im playing along to be, all im doin is tryin to please everyone and get by and go home, except for the few good friends i have, they make life bearable, theyre the color in my dreams, every day i fade more an more, im always there in person but my heart and mind is somewhere else, dreaming, hiding itself from the society surrounding me, engulfing me in its vast lonliness, theres nothing here for me, at home i can be me, i can be anything i want, no criticizing, no arguing, no annoying little voice in the bac of my head telling me what i should or shouldnt do, at home that voice is silent, im stuck in a hole that seems to do nothing but dig itself deeper, im trapped at the bottom where theres no light, no comfort, just nothing but cold darkness, im away from the sun, i cry out, but my voice gets lost in an echo somewhere in the darkness, no one can here me down here, the only thing that can get me out is my will and strength, and along with the rest of me even those are fading, wilting, drying out. my soul cries for existence, forgivness for whatever ive done in my life, every mistake i made, every burden unloaded upon my shoulders,te aches and pain of isolation amongst others...im becoming transparent, see through, hopefully some light will shine through me and give me new life. to everyone who reads this, dont worry im not suicidal, everything im going through will be fine, dont worry ill get through it like i always do, on my own, but maybe with some help of a close friend...thank you logan, you are that friend.

wasting the days

                               i looked outside this morning dreading the day, dreading the math test, dreading science class, dreading gym, hating geography. every second of the day i hated, knowing, living, and remembering the day just kinda sorta angered me. its finaly friday every one shouts, and me: oh great...friday, why couldnt it be saturday?? every day in school is eight hours gone a day, 40 hours a week, 224 hours a month on average, 2240 hours in a school year, 2240 hours ill never get back, not including extra curricular activities, so roughly 2240 hours ill never relive, the way i want to live them, i know i need school and i know everyone has or does feel this way babout school, im jus putting how i feel on the internet so all you can read it. every day i wake up, take a shower, get ready, and leave, walk into each class, and start dreading every minute of it, yes i have friends, and theyre the reasons i dont give up entirely, im just lookin to waste away the days, wake up, eat, shower, work, sleep. thats its. thats may day off, my summer...good enough, its not school, im good with some work, a nice long shower and then...sleep. hangin with friends is always welcome to. i want to watch the sun rise over the horizon, slowly set its enchanting glow in the air, watching the leaves glow with radiance, watching them float and shudder with the calm wind, a warm breeze flowing all around, i want to walk around the yard with no shoes at the crack of dawn, watching the dew glisten in the emerald grass, and then sleep til noon, i want to smell fresh cut grass, i want to hear lawn mowers and table saws and anything that reminds me of summer, all the life of summer, forget spring and fall and bitter winter, i want me some good ol summer, i want to drive out to my granpas farm with the windows down and the music up, i wanna drive through the country as slow as possible, pull up to a pasture or field, park, climb up on the hood and lay there, and just sleep, or watch the clouds float on by. i want to draw, watch movies and listen to music every waking moment, and dream of drawing, music, movies, sunlight, and whatever i want to dream about. i wanna skip rocks in missouri, i wanna walk through the woods, find that perfect shot, shoot, but not with a gun, a camera. i like hunting but sometimes instead of taking life, why not just preserve it, let it live forever?? i wanna go down by the river, find a good smooth boulder, or a good fork in a tree, and guess what im gonna do...sleep. i wanna hear the sound of the river flow by, tempting to even jump in to, but nahhh, just sleeping will do. i just wanna waste the days away, not thinking ahead for a project or homework, but i wanna look back, look back on the day before, and do the same thing, i just wanna waste the days.

show time

                              I'm ready...I'm focused....wait..where did i put music, oh wait where i always put it, now....what does this note sound like, to low, or to high? no, just right. which song goes first...hmmm what will we sound like tonight?? OK i have my tuba ready, got my music, ready, focused, what else...? as we walk out to the auditorium from the band room pressure seems to fade and leave me, funny...isn't that supposed to be the other way around? open the door, walk on the stage...quietly in unison with everyone else. don't sit down until your told you can, wow how many time have i heard that?? sit down, look out into the ominous sullen crowd slowly gathering, filing into their seats, expecting a good performance, expecting...more like demanding. pull my folder out of the bell of my tuba, which has proven quite a handy traveling holder for music, and set it up on the stand in front of me, putting everything in order, first to last planing my performance, actually by this time, planing my routine for the night, all the while watching the director walk over to the mic, and announce our arrival, as if it hadn't been obvious enough, and announcing the music and every little detail, basically eating my patience. and after he has finished serenading the already bored crowd with his banter of how old this piece is and who wrote it, he walks over to the podium, raises his arms and prepares to begin the show. OK...showtime...I've played this before...i can do it again, after all its not like a competition where were being judged or anything, whats there to worry about?? oh wait...sounding like crap....yea theres something, but no we've played this all to much to sound like crap. and then the conductor, Steve Thorne, begins. started out strong...nice...lets finish it that way shall we? next song, bring it on, done...no problem, third song, easy...wow this went quick, fourth song, in the bag. done, whew, quick and painless. walking out  was easier than walking in, usually, grab a chair and stand...wow that's easy while also carrying the biggest instrument there...i think ill pass on the chair. made to the band room in good shape, everything with me?? yep, good to go..

celebrate

                               Easter is here again, my fifteenth years celebrating this traditional holiday, fifteen years of fake and real eggs, thirteen years of running around my grandmas yard hunting, searching, hunting, looking, spying for eggs, a lifetime of tradition, family and happiness. but of course Easter for me isn't all eggs, color, candy, and other little things of little importance, but mainly surrounding myself with family, the resurrection of god, and celebrating another year of life lived and shared with each other. usually Easter is thought of as eggs and bunnies, but not to many people, mainly younger children, don't realize that there is so much more to Easter than that. but this blog isn't going to be as personal as my other ones, but as i was saying, fifteen years of Easter, its kind of hard to believe its been that long, but seemingly so quick, today has probably been the most memorable though, thanks to my 4 year old cousin, Carson. this little ball of crazy isn't like other 4 year olds, his wild energy and endless enthusiasm is contagious, funny, and down right loveable, helping this little kid find Easter eggs is better than finding them for yourself, first finding them, then giving him hints until he finally catches on, then finds the egg for himself, and then seeing the surprised face of satisfaction, and then seeing him run off to find more in sheer joy and enthusiasm, watching him jump and holler and run and chase jack, our grandmas yellow lab, just reminded me of how i used to be around his age, all the memories of Easter dinner, egg hunting, board games, laughs, smiles, love, just all around American holidays, fifteen years and fifteen thousand memories, its been a miracle to have what i have, happy easter!

live

                           life to me is one of those gifts that gets treated like a stray puppy, people really don't pay enough attention to it, to realize that that stray puppy may not be healthy, and people may not realize that their lives aren't to healthy. some times i forget whats real, i forget that theres life past the next few minutes, i lose sight of where my life is leading me, and sometimes it takes me down a rough worn path that shakes me back to reality, and in this reality i see that the path I've been on isn't to promising. living life is a privilege all to often taken for granted, I've taken my life for granted, I've been scared to make mistakes that, mistakes i couldve learned from in the future, and ended up making mistakes that making life a frustrating encounter. life is a freedom, sadly some people never knew or will know, life is a god given right. sometimes life feels like a cage with iron bars and an electric fence, every time i try to escape i get shocked with another problem or difficulty holding me back from my own life, a life that i control, things in this life can be blinding, like staring into the sun, so bright that seeing in front of you anymore is a daily battle, that can be life, a daily battle. but life...from my experiences isn't all that bad though, i still find the reason to smile, to laugh, i find the reason to look up at the stars at night, to stare past the constellations to the moon and beyond, wondering whats out there, dreaming of life, i still find the reasons to breathe, every moment, every breathe, is a choice. i still find a reason to watch the sunset from my tree house, to watch the grass flow with the wind, watching the sun bounce off the green illuminating the trees around me creating a glow, a luster of light, i still find reasons to walk in the rain, i still splash in puddles, i still watch snow fall all around me, piling up, i still find reasons to love. i often see my life before me, from kindergarten to high school, from preschool to me sitting on my bed writing this now, i still find a reason for everything. and sometimes i don't find a reason for what i do, but who cares, i do it anyways. that's the thing with life, there's not always a reason, or a purpose, it just happens, its just there, it just grew that way, it just smells that way, it just feels that way, it just tastes that way, so get on with your life, quit worrying about here and now, think about there and later, think about what you want, think about why people don't have tails, whatever you want, that's the thing about life, IT DOESN'T MATTER. isn't that great or what? thats the thing about life, its yours, so live it, love it, and freaking have some fun with it.

whats real

                                           whats real in life?? is what you find in magazines and movies real?? is what you hear on CDs and radios real?? in almost all the songs nowdays what your gonna hear is that someone in a relationship got in a fight and some one walked out, and in these poorly written pathetic love songs it always ends up that the person who gets walked out on chases down the person who walks out in a ball of miserable tears and "im sorry take me back", and some how that works. but in real life, the real picture, those relationships end up the oppostie, they end up in loud arguements and names and anger, and when one person gets the brains to leave they hear, "see ya later, dont let the door hit ya on the way out!". now im not sayin that always happens but most break ups i know dont end like a fairy tale that takes a cross-country chase, tears and apologies to make thigns work. yes things can work out but usually in different ways here in the real world. whats real in this world is whats in you, not whats on the radio or the next channel, its whats in your soul begging like a caged animal dying to be let free, its what you know during the day and dream of in your sleep, its whats in the back of your mind at school and whats on your mind out of school. its how you act away from your friends, when your alone because your uncomfortavle with who you truly are, its not what you pretend to be. its what you cant hide with new clothes or cheap overly applied make up. like me for example, im not who i am at school, sure i like to do what i do at school, which is goof around, but at home im a different kind of person, i dont show it because i got lost in what surrounds me, the sea of different personalities, some real genuine personalties, and some fake seemingly "store bought" personalities because those people are afraid of ridicule, down right terrified, and sometimes i can just smell it, but me, im not afraid, i dont hide myself, i just choose not to show it, but thats all gonna change, especially after a push-shove argument with my brother harley. today after we got home he thinks its funny to pick on and annoy, successfuly, me, and well he did and thought he had the right to shove me into a wall, and well me sayin "ohhh some one thinks he's strong" and ill give him credit, he is, but with his ego he mouths off, " i know i am, thats the difference between me and you". and thats where i just laughed, because he may not realize it, but we are polar opposites, he cares too much about his pathetic little image, how he looks to his friends, he cares to much about how strong he is, where i could care less about all those things, where his ego states that if he's strong he can win fights, well id rather catch a sucker punch to the back of the head while walking away than take a pointless blow to the front of my face and get arrested for fighting back, see im not a passavist but instead of fighting then and breaking something an getting wreamed, im writing this now, thats what i do, i dont like to fight, im just not that person and it will take forever to get me in to the point to just kick some ones face in, but if there ever comes a time where i have to i definitely will. thats whats real about me, i can see past what my friends think, like i said before in a previous blog id rather be a loner in the corner and have no real friends than having fake friends i have to hide my true self from. whats real is when you take the heat and crap form the losers who cant accept who you are and plan to be, and go on with your life the way you want to live. thats whats real.

learn to fly

                       i wish i could fly, like not in a plane or anything, i wish that when we were being created god gave us the power to fly. if i could fly possibilities are endless. i wish i could take off ouut of no where, i wish i could soar the clouds, soar out of this world and into the universe, i wish i could fly to the moon, i wish i could fly to the milky way, float through out the galaxy next to the stars, run along the craters in mars, float next to satellites and see what they see, and then re enter the atmosphere in a ball of fire smashing through sky out flying any plane or bird, i want to fly over the great planes, see the rolling hills and emerald green grass flowing beneath me, i want to soar through the rocky mountains, through the snow capped mountains and out to the west coast, i just wanna fly. i want to leave myself behind, i want to burst free of the chains and burdens in my life, and i want to fly i want to see the sunset from the air, i want to see from a birds eye view, i want to se what they see day to day, i want to jump off niagra falls and right before i hit the water i want to lift myself up into the blue sky.

on the mend

                             i honestly thought there would be no end to what i was living, what i would call a Friday night nightmare, well because it was Friday night at a band competition, the state competition, after three tornado warnings id say our minds were elsewhere thinking about a potential tornado swooping down crashing through the ceiling and sweeping us away like rags. although thankfully that never happened, we got a second place rating, which isn't too bad but we could've done better. after we were done performing we packed away to our designated homeroom and there on did what we wanted, walked around, goofed around, which we later payed for, and just had fun, but it was getting almost unbearable to stay in this over packed school with hundreds of students, so i decided so walk outside to relax and catch my breathe, then realizing that there was a substantial down pour of rain, not too bad but enough to get you pretty wet if you stayed out there long enough, but alone i could not fore more than a minute, and then out comes some good friends of mine. and after a series of events i found myself walking in the rain, in somewhat of a stupor, i wasn't truly connected with the world at that point, i could hear the rolling echo of thunder smashing through the dark blackened sky as i trudged along, the flashes of lightning lighting up the dark sky into a pale purple, i walked and walked, letting the rain wash me away, feeling it soak in and wash myself clean, feeling the rain run through my hair, it felt as if the sky felt my pain as well, as if it were crying the tears i couldn't find. and i just stood there, knowing id probably get in trouble because i was drenched, but what did i care? and i started walking, i was making my way around the school and i saw this tree with flowers on it, and i pulled off a flower, and just stared out into the night, and to the flower, and back out into the night, now i was truly alone, i had my wish. and i kept walking, walked right up to a window and saw that some of my friends in choir were singing, and sitting and laughing, and all that separated me from them was not even an inch of glass, but then again i was miles away, and i just walking, not knowing where to go, and it didn't matter if i knew or didn't know, i was just walking, avoiding my shadow, trying walk far enough i would walk right out of my own body, and fly way away with the wind. and as the night dragged on, i grew weary walking and i headed back inside the school, thinking to myself, "great...back to the old drama in a new place". and with night aging the rain poured on, the thunder continued its smashing down, and the lightning continued to zap the earth with bolts of white light and fury, but finally the contested died away, and we loaded up and rolled out of the parking lot, and left for home. as the long haul back to Jacksonville progressed, so did the rain, and the humidity and goofiness of the bus. and when we arrived home we left as quickly as we unloaded, with lightning speed, leaving a huge trail behind us. and on the ride home another series of events sent me into to a new spiralling downfall of depression, leaving me to drown in anguish and pain i somehow must have deserved  for the rest of the weekend. but with time my heart has mended, and the familiar pain is beginning to subside, it will always be there, but its numbed for now, thank you to all the friends who have my back, you saved me.

alone

                bleh.

memory

      
            for the first time in i dont kno how long...i dug out a ladder, leaned up against the old plywood rail, an started to climb, i climbed all the way up to the dilapidated old tree house i grew up in, each rung a new memory unfolded in my mind, all the while praying that the ladder wouldnt slip from under me. and i got to the top, hopped over the last few rungs of the ladder, and stood, stood in the fork of the tree and gazed out on the horizon, a vast beauty mixed with emerald green grass, chocolate brown dirt of the fields, the glow of the light bouncing off the light yellow-green leaves, i remember always seeing that as i was growing up. i had no idea how much i would miss that later on as i got older, and i still have no idea how fortunate i am to be able to see it. and i plan on making more memories, at school me and my friend mike doss get these sodas that are made of glass like old school, and they have the old school caps on em, well for every cap i get im goin to dig a whole in the tree and put it there, and leave it forever, every time i see those, and remember that day at school, comin home, puttin it there, there will always be my mark on that tree. always a memory

hold on

          for anyone who is readin this....for anyone who feels so far down they cant seem to see any light anymore, hang on, ive been there as well. ive struggled and fought with bein made fun of all my life, ive been lower than whale crap in the eyes of others, and today i still am, often ive thought of giving up, locking myself away and doing what i thought needed to be done, but i didnt, thank god for that. life may not seem worth it, but life gets better, the words sting so badly its numbing, you forget it hurts, the pain blinds you to where you cant see whats real,you forget who really matters, who really cares about you, taking your life doesnt just kill you, it kills everyone whio loved and theres more people who love you than you think. taking your life may kill your pain, but it creates pain for others, pain of searing loss, grief, it kills as well as a gun, or knife, or noose, nothing in life is worth ending yours over. your ife was a blessing to some one i gaurantee that, so dont take away that blessing, please.
            i know first hand the pain of loss, its like a building on your heart, thats what happens when you do this, and to the people who cause suicide for others, you may not even know your destroying some ones life, but think about what its doing to that person, so stop. for the people who nothing left in their lives, trust me there is something, there is help, there is someone, always.

faces

well today i realized something, the longer you look at some ones face, the more it changes, you see things you never saw, details so faint to the eye the only way to see them is to study that persons face thoroughly, which sounds very weird and akward, but until you look you wont know how true my words are. and this fact reminds me of everything, the longer you look, the more you see, the more you can enjoy, or more is uncovered in discovery. the longer you look at the face of the earth the more it changes, and the earth changes right under our noses more often than we know, and we'll never realize it, unless you look. the world changes every few seconds, a new fashion or style emerges from the ashes of an old outta date one. a new religion is formed, another child is born, some one dies and we'll never know, because no one truly knows what goes on in the world, we're too self consumed in whats right here in our very own hands, or down the road. even on a smaller scale everything changes for better and worse, if your still in school like me look down the hallway tomorrow and see me how many faces there are that youve never seen, youd be amazed. its all right there and so easy to see, just look.

pictures

                      
              pictures define america and our lives, it captures, inspires, preserves the heart of america, the world, and most importantly our lives. flipping through a photo album is closest we could ever get to time travel, i love pictures, theyre the wordless stories of our lives, an ancesrty of your family. today i was skipping rocks in missouri, and a few hours later i found myself sitting in front of my computer spilling my thoughts onto a blank page waiting to be formed, created, painted by words artisticly so that when your reading this paragraph not only seeing these words you see a picture in your mind of something you could only remember through a photo. photos for over two hundred years has been the only closest thing we have had to time travel, the only thing weve had letting us relive memories. i remember as a young kid walking the trails of rifle falls, a forest that closely resembles heaven to me, a state park of memories to me, i remember walking through those trails, not knowing where i was even going, but trusting these trails to guide me, photographs guide as well, when i look at the photos of rifle falls, and i look at the date, 1999, or 1998, or 1997, i could almost shed a tear, time has flown by soo soo quickly, time slips through our hands like sand, no matter how hard you squeeze your hand in hopes to obtain the sand and keep it there, it slips through, the same with time, the forever ticking hand of time continuously progressing, but...one thing can stop the hands of time, pictures. you begin dying since the day you are born, one day lived is a day closer to death, but when your gone, you never die, there will always be a trace leading to you, starting with pictures. so as your reading this, stop. stop reading, pull out your phone or camera, and take a picture, of something you want to remember or be remembered for til the day you die and beyond the grave.

i am what i am

                      let me be myself, so i can shine in  my own life!!!!!!!! dont let me get caught up in the flow of society, the groove of fashion, personality profiling, dont let me follow religiously in the trampled worn path of others and what they follow, or you have failed me as a freind, teacher, sibling, parent, or whatever you may be to me, dont let me lose myself in a world revolving around itself, dont let me sink in the quick sand that can consume me in the instant it feels hungry for a new victim of society it needs to suck dry of personality and charisma, originality, spunk. i am what i am, if you cant see me for me, in your eyes you cant see my originality as an inspiration, then your eyes are blind, useless. our eyes are unique in the fact that they allow us to see difference, distinguish personality from a piece of clothing or a necklace or a fone, they allow us to see a difference in what we are, but unfortunately that gift is wasted, the gift to see beyond our own selves, tossed away for a new pair of shoes that might make us look richer, or better, or more stylish. if god intended us to not be able to tell a difference with our eyes he would have given us the eyes of the beasts and animals that cant even distinguish color, or in fact if he didnt want us to tell the difference between personality and a physical object, would he have given us eyes at all??
                      if you cant see me as a person unlike others, if you think all i am is a follower of a certain fashion, or anything of that manner, call up a search party, because your brain mustve gone missing. i grew up to several personalities, country, modern, old school, and which one do i live the most? which ever one i feel like living that certain day. does it matter what i where?? how i walk?? what color of shoes i wear, if i have holes in my jeans?? which way i wear my hat?? the way i talk??? why must it matter what i do and why i do it??im a free person with a soul of my very own, a soul that no government can censor, no principal can put rules on, a soul that can bend and flex but will never break. no king or queen or president or government agency could ever do what they wanted to it, sure they create laws that i must obey, sure i dont want to go to prison anytime soon, but my soul and personality is something i can truly call my own, and ill keep it and change it as i and only i please, so feel free to comment, suggest, rate, or judge me as you please but hear this, no matter what you do or say i will NOT change for any man or woman, if you cant accept me for me then get outta my way i have better things to do than be near you, i have a life to live, and if it means living a loner life but being able to be myself, then i dont mind siiting alone in the corner, eating alone, heck i can jus talk to myself, that can be quite entertaining. so think of me how you will i cant control thoughts, but i can control me, who i am, my soul, and its saying, "accept me or live without me, its your choice."

past

               bleeehhhhhhhhhh...the first two days of spring break, i hope its goin better for everyone else than it is for me, honestly its not that bad but it could be wayy better. but i realized something this weekend though, this evening to be exact, its that everything can be traced, tracked, everything has a past you can follow. after laying on my porch looking up at the sky, gazing at the clouds gently blown away by vicious wind, i saw three planes all heading in the same direction, leaving a trail behind them, and i realized, everything has a past, no matter how long or short, shallow or deep, painful or painless, everything has a story, and a story ready to be made, which is why i love old cars and houses and old bottles, i cant help but imagine, wonder, who lived here, who drove this before me or who ever is drivin said vehicle, who drank whatever was in the old bottle, or old farm equipment, i cant help but wonder what its been through, all those years, the decades of history its been through. everything has a past, but what will we make our future?
                  

spring break

spring break is here, why am i not excited? is it because i remember winter break like it was 5 minutes ago? because summer break feels like it was 10 minutes ago?? i may be a kid but i know how it feels when time flies if your a person like me who loves now, this exact moment, an i know when its gone its gone, it only exists in a memory, but its always a part of our lives, following us around like shadows, like footprints. but spring break is here!! more memories to make! why stick to the past when you can just relive it again?? just the feeling of the last bell ringing, the doors opening, the feeling i wont be here for a week, not nlong when you think about it, but when you take it day by day, its a good long while to enjoy being "free".  freedom of the jail cell called jhs, a penatentary of learning, mandatory by law attendance, thats a start right?

i go back

everytime i hear this song, the song aboutnhearing a song that brings back memories, i truly go back, i go back to the 2010-2011 marching season of the JHS Crimsons, i remember my first field show, standing on the thirty yard line, watching the crowd anxiously, jus waitin,dyin, for josiah (one of the drum majors) to start counting off the beat and marking the tempo, nervous that id mess up, an i knew that if i did it would be veeerrrryyy obvious, seeing how i have th  biggest instrument on the field, creating the most sound, but i go back when i hear this song, i go back to every memory that im truly fond of, i go back to back to bright saturday mornings in the summers driving through the countryside workin for my granpa, i go back, i go back to every memory.

throwback: part 2

jump. how bout we jump back in time for a while. this part 2 of my last post, throwback, but this will be wrote in more deta il though. well as i said i was in school and mike doss aka "jimmy" gives me this glass bottle full of coke, an im thinkin, ...okay, but then i remembered that we were talkin about this the other day how awesome it would be to have grown up in the 80s. so after we figured out a way to get the caps off we started drinkin this amazing soda and discussing the 80s and how we should bring it back to life, and my band teachers walks up and notices the glass bottle in my hand, and says, " ohh i remember when they made nothin but glass bottles of soda, the only drink they put in a ca n back in the day was beer, but now they put everything in a can," and to think about it, thats true," and research shows that drinkin from glass is healthier than cans because the acid in the soda wears the can away and the paint an stuff from the can and creates alsheimers. and that they never had bottled water and candy at consessions stands, jus bbq pork an soda." and that jus made me think how different things are, i wish it was more like then, things were probably easier, the music was real, the cars were better, so....lets jump back. throwback. 

throwback

this is where its at. i was talkin to a couplpe friends today before school and another friend came up with two old style coca cola bottles and hands me one, and said " here ya go buddy, free of charge." of course i thank him and as i start drinkin it i just cant help but think, "what a throwback, why dont they make these anymore???" and i realize, why isnt anything like the 80s? i didnt grow up in the 80s, but i sure wish i did. and i continued to think when my band director walked up to us, saw the bottles, and started a history lecture, that i actually enjoyed hearing. he went on and on about how drinkin from glass is better for you and what they had at consession stand back then, and it made me decide, that me dan and mike are bringin back some good old fashion 80s!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fast paced

does a slow laid back person belong in this fast paced world? i may be young but i do know that time goes too fast, im a memories kina guy and i hate that time flies, like last weekend, i showed up friday and im here, home again...i remember five years ago like it was yesterday, i remember a week ago like it was thirty seconds, where does it go?? some one please answer that, i need a good answer. anyone who reads this, try and answer.im a laid back kind of guy, one day at a time is how i roll, every day is merely a second in this "bigger picture", well i believe the big picture isnt a big picture at all, jus millions of little pictures, and those millions....well 6 billion and counting, are our lives, put together and forming the big picture. but then fast is good because, who wants a slow motion life? wheres tha cheap thrill? the roller coasters of life?? thats my thought

what do you believe

do you dare to share?? i just got back from the best weekend of my life from a brief saty at a dare to share conference in good ol st. louie, and i realized what ive been missing in my life, so.....so do you dare to share?? after a weekend of being surrouned by 10,000 kids my age there for the same reason i was, to share and rejoice in the lord, i came home with a new outlook on life in my religious views. after a weekend of concerts, speakers, skits, dramas, imagination, clapping, yelling, cheerin, prayin, an havin the time of my life i realized that this is what luife is. i was skeptic at first thinking this was just going to be one long church service, but that thought was proven wrong time after time, and it made me realize in what ive been missing during my younger childhood and early youth, but i refuse to miss anymore, i have been mobilized by my god and i wont stop. do you dare? do you share?